Long live our education system.

There’s a lot of difference between reading a novel and an article in Economic Times. “What’s the similarity?” You might ask- I don’t know, but there are lots of differences. I can turn the pages of a novel really fast and impress the chick opposite, if any that is, and still not feel guilty of pretending. If the novel happens to be a Sidney Sheldon, your job only becomes easy- you know the story already!

I was confronted with jargons like “equity market”, “VAT”, “Capital returns” and I found it guilty to assume meanings -Equity sounds like Kitty, so it must be a market that sells pussies, cats I mean. VAT is it VAT 69? Does that ring bells with you?

I therefore called my friend, a commerce graduate, to clear my doubts. The following is what he had to say.

“Equity is like a hmmm…sort of you know what I mean, it’s a kind of a ..And
hey can I call you later? Someone is at the door.”

..And someone said this for VAT –

“VAT helps the government a lot. It has been implemented in a lot of
countries world wide. It helps avoid black money.”

That’s the sort of reply you expect out of a politician, not from a student of economics!
Having successfully tarnished them, what would I say if a plebeian wanted to know what a microprocessor is?

“It’s a kind of electronic device which helps us to do a lot of stuff in your
computer. its made up of lots of electronic circuits.. hey are you free this
evening? Let’s play cricket.”

Isn’t it a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Long live our education system.

The three phases

There are three phases to any role that’s played in a bollywood movie; the rules are made especially stringent if it’s an Akshay Kumar starrer. Here are a few samples.

a. The mother
#1 The caring mother (until her Police officer husband is shot by the villains)
#2 The hardworking widow (after his death)
#3 Photo on the wall.


b. The beautiful sister

#1 The playful chirpy girl.
#2 Falls in love with a bad guy.
#3 Raped and killed (usually the lengthiest scene in the movie).


c. The Heroine

#1 A Social worker/college student.
#2 Falls in love with the hero (charachterised by songs at unwanted times).
#3 Marries the hero (in case of availability of another heroine, refer b.#3)


...and the formula continues to create sensational hits.

Private companies - real good service.

But for the sweet voice of a chick at the other end, I wouldn’t have called the customer service again. I was to prepare notes for my lecture that day and off went my cable modem. The cute female (she must be) at the other end, whose voice flowed down live a river with flamboyant English assured me of service within 3 hours. I waited like Bashmasura who got seduced by mohini avatar. The asura at least danced with mohini before he was killed but I sat in my dingy room waiting for some help to come; none came.

Whoever feels that the private companies offer a better service hasn’t understood the definition properly. Employing a preposterous woman in the customer service centre does not solve any problem. It adds to the woes!

It hurts, as a computer engineer, to listen to ‘suggestions’ like

a. “Turn off and then turn on your system” (to repair a modem!!!)

b. “Click on the button called the start button at the left hand bottom corner…”

c. “You see, the computer might be affected by something called viruses” (a bigger plural?)

d. “…go to run and type “c:\”, do you want me to spell it?”

e. “Yes. I know you need to check your email, you can do it in a place called browsing centre near your house.”

My Autobiography – How I don’t want it to be.

Another 40 years left in my life if accidents, cancer, and diabetics don’t play a spoil sport. How do I want my life to be? The options to choose from are too many – Management studies, M.S, journalism and medicine. Although becoming a doctor after an under-graduation in engineering might look insane, it is not impossible; all it takes is an admission into a Patna university.

All of us (rich/poor/dark/fair/ugly/sane/insane) have to go through this crucial phase of selecting a career path. Instead of breaking one’s head with the options, it would be better to employ a different method of selection. Just think of what you don’t want to be in life. It’s that simple!

The following is how I don’t want my autobiography to read

Autobiography of VIKRAMAN VASUDEVAN (1983-2043)

Chap1: Childhood days

Chap2: Adolescence and running behind women (without much success)

Chap3: undergrad days and the fun associated with it.

Chap4: The dream job and marriage (shh! Running behind women secretively)

Chap5: My First child - a successful marriage indeed!

Chap6: Oh my god! My child walks, a moment of ecstasy.

Chap7: YES. I got him admitted into the best school.

Chap8: My child runs behind women- nostalgia!

Chap9: Retirement life with a cane chair and Hindu crossword.

God, can I have fast growing facial hair?

I added the seventh can of Gillette shaving cream to my cupboard. You guessed it right; it was a gift from someone who came from the US. Why do people invariably gift us with Shaving creams? Do people in the US shave 5 times a day that they think we must follow it here? Or may be it is because they think we don’t have such ‘sophisticated’ things in India. We may not be ‘cultured’ enough to use a toilet paper, but we certainly use shaving gels.

Let me see how I can finish those seven cans soon…

#1 They can be used as a substitute for fresh cream on birthday cakes.

#2 Dissolve it in water and use it for white washing the walls.

#3 Fill the centre of a biscuit after eating the cream off.

#4 The not so potent men can fake an…well it has a lot of other uses.

The unsung heroes – DYFI and SFI

I persuaded myself really hard before I took the final decision to leave to cuddalore to help the tsunami victims. I called up AID-India many times to find out about my vaccination, food, accommodation and bugged them with every other possible question. I felt proud of myself and the feeling of becoming another mahatma was on the rise, only until I reached the place.

The volunteers of DYFI (democratic youth federation of India) blew the feeling that was budding in me. These guys have been working in the camps for over a month now without any remuneration. Some of them are on a loss of pay and the others are on a long leave.

Whenever I got an opportunity to talk to the volunteers (mostly at night), I tried to reason the force that drove them this far. I had a good chat with Mr. Sudhakaran (joint-secretary) while we were on our way to Chidambaram to buy note books for the kids. He is an ITI degree holder who had many offers from dubai and Saudi which he refused; he believes in working for the people.

Mr.vanchinathan (in-charge of the camp) narrated an incident in which moved me very much. Hundreds of unemployed youth gathered in an open ground hoping to be selected into the military for 180 vacant posts, some of them were engineers and science graduates. The crowd which became unmanageable was lathi-charged which left many wounded. Those who were selected had the shock of their life when they came to know what they were selected for- they were to be the barbers in the military camps. Mr. Vanchi felt the need for an organisation which would back the unemployed youth in the country against such insults.

DYFI and SFI (student federation of India) are the real heroes doing real work for tsunami relief. This post will therefore not contain any photos, showing me playing with children or doing some relief work.

God’s own country – The people

Visit kerala and you’ll find out the limitations of your vocabulary (applicable even to the Brits). This is perhaps the only place where Mother Nature remains in her pristine self. The lofty Western Ghats, cool weather, lush green tea plantations, streets filled with the aroma of spices and the beautiful women make the place a heaven on earth.

As I got down from the train I saw a woman in salwar kameez with her thuppata struggling to cover her curvature walking towards me and I knew I was in kerala. We had that ‘inevitable' collision that sent both of us a few yards away, having lived majority of my life in Chennai I was expecting some nasty comment or atleast a cold stare. I was surprised when she smiled and said “I am sorry”. No, she actually said “I am Sooory” (Punch on the ‘O’ when you’re in kerala).

There needn’t be temples when people worship their work; Kerala is not crowded with temples that fight for survival in every nook and corner. The people of kerala are very practical (should the credit go to communism?). YOU DON’T FIND A BEGGAR IN THAT STATE. Against a common notion, the keralites are not cunning but in fact very helpful.

Should all Indians have the same attitude; India will certainly be a better place to live in.

A grand wedding

That was definitely a grandiose wedding. I had gone with complete preparation*. The ambience was perfect, bearers in clean outfit. I believed that the stage was set to end my dieting regime.

Ah the damn cold, I had picked it up from my friend, posed a threat to the gala time that stood ahead of me. Man proposes and god exposes errr I guess he disposes.I wouldn’t let go of a chance so easily, there it was the chicken soup – the ultimate curator of cold. Whichever butcher spread the rumour, human cold seems to be the prime threat to a chicken’s life.

I was roaming about in the darkness (darkness is referred to as ‘pleasing’ ambience in star hotels) to select a proper side dish for my naan. I never believed that ‘J’ could be placed next to ‘X’ or a ‘Z’ in an English word, well only until I browsed through the menu cards that were so majestically displayed. One of them was christened “bangala dumpa koora” which reminded me of a Zambian president. It looked shiny, slippery and semi curdled. It tasted great except that it was a trifle too sweet.

On successful completion of many rounds each with generous helpings of my new found side-dish, I decided to call it quits with a dessert.

The side-dish had a unique characteristic in that it was served even for a dessert!
Oh my goodness!! It took me some time to realise that those curious glances were not meant to be an appreciation for my fashionable clothes.

*Preparation: 2 chapathis in the morning, 2 for lunch and none for dinner from a week prior to the wedding.

Fathering a Babe...

Dads are generally good. They provide us food, clothing, comfort (am writing with a glossy eye). They are the breadwinners of the family. However, they act in the weirdest possible manner when they father a CHICK.

I have had many encounters with such Dads. They interrogate the caller thoroughly before letting it pass to their beloved daughter. In computer terminology they are analogous to FIREWALLS. Although we have mastered the ways of hacking through them they can get annoying at times. There are different types of Dads:

#1. THE NAGGING CHARACTER

Me: Can I talk to XYZ uncle?
Dad Of Chick: Who’s calling?
Me: vikram
DOC: Are you her classmate?
Me: Yes. Infact bench mates for four years.
DOC: hmm..So where are you from?
Me: T.nagar
Doc: What’s your dad?
Me: Working for a private firm.
Doc: Oh I C. So you were the one who came for her b’day party two days back?
Me: No. Haven’t been to your house before.
Doc: oh. She is busy right now. I’ll ask her to give you a call later.
click

#2 The always NO character

time: 8:30 am
Me: Can I talk to XYZ uncle?
Doc: She’s sleeping. Hasn’t gotten up yet.
click

time: 12o clock afternoon
Me: Can I talk to her uncle?
Doc: She’s still sleeping. I guess she’s feeling too tierd.
click

time: 7:30 pm
Me: Can I talk to her atleast now uncle?
Doc: Oh! You should have called her early. She’s gone to bed you see.
Me: Do you have a caller Id at home?
Doc: No. She wasn’t actually feeling alright and I advised her to go to bed.
Me: and with whom?
click

Honesty may be the best policy but…

Do Miss. Universe contestants come from other planets in spaceships? I thought the organizers had done justice to the name when priyanka chopra was selected as the beauty queen. But to my dismay, I found out that she hails somewhere from India.
Before deviating any further from the crux of the issue, here are a few guidelines to win the Miss universe pageant.
1.Never say the truth.
2.Be as impractical as possible.
3.Make them believe you’ll be one among the masses.

For example, when the judge asks you to imagine your house on fire. Inside the burning house are trapped your three month old child and a mother Teresa’s photo. Which one would you save first?
A rational, practical and a sensible person would save the child, but to win the miss universe title you must feel (and feel strongly) that mother Teresa’s photo is more important than the child (although Mother Teresa herself, if alive, would not approve of it).

Let me pose another situation now. Don’t look down. No cheating.

You’re jogging on a lonely highway (god knows why) and you find your 3 month-old peeping into a manhole. The same instant you find a cockroach crossing the road, you find a speeding truck down the lane. Whom will you save first?
Congratulations, if you wanted to save the cockroach. You’re on the right path to becoming the Miss.Universe. Well, if you’re a man, you still hold a chance. You might have some minor problems with the swimsuit round.

Can you forward my Resume?

The man who HAD lakhs of devotees world wide has done what even a nefarious criminal would fear to do.

Middle men have always been (and will continue to be) a headache to the society. Consider this for an example, a farmer (with his high interest loans) toils in his field and produces food grain which is conveniently bought by these middle men for a low price and sold in the market at exorbitant rates. These unscrupulous elements enjoy an unpropotional profit for their ‘work’, while the farmers continue to commit suicide due to poverty.
If you thought this was applicable only to the illiterate farmers, you are totally wrong. These middle-men are present, unfortunately, in all fields including Spirituality. Unless we realize the fact that there can be no one between us and the God, such rascals would continue to thrive.

This article, however, is not intended to put humanity on to the right track but was written for a more practical cause of publishing my resume. Since the top post now lies vacant I wish to offer my services to the mutt.

My Resume
Name: Sri Sri vikramananda.
Age: Old enough to hold this post.
Young enough to have female disciples.

(S)EXperience: 1. Worked in other ashrams and aware of all the ‘spiritual practises’.

2. Attended a certified course in the P.C sarkar’s school of magic and can vomit lingams, produce ashes, create fire etc.

Achievements: 1.A crowd following of more than 1 lakh (70% being women).
2. Working on a permanent solution to the Ayodhya issue (why not?).
3. Contacts with the top most rowdy gangs in the country.
4. Links with other fundamentalist groups which can declare a bandh when am arrested.

References:

1. Sri Premananda.
2. Sri kalki Bagwan.
3. Chandra Swami.
Can you kindly forward my resume?

Kudos to Wodehouse

I just finished reading (11:50 pm) Thank You jeeves and I wanted to post a comment before I get over the hangover. Simply a great read.

[And this is some creative work from me…]

Scene: Sir Bertram Wooster’s cottage, London.
Characters: Bertie, Jeeves.

Bertie: What do you think of Pauline, jeeves?
Jeeves: Of that miss, sir, I appreciate her pulchritude.
Bertie: You mean she is a woman who is a …
Jeeves: une bonne elle, as you’d like to call her, sir.
Bertie: yes. You have a good vocabulary Jeeves.
Jeeves: Thank you, sir, for a gratifying comment.
Bertie: I wish I could take her out for a long vacation, jeeves. But the fuel prices are discouraging me.
Jeeves: It is pitiable indeed, sir.
Bertie: Out of the top of your head, tell me reason for an alarming increase in the rates.
Jeeves: According to me, sir, the government has shown callous indifference to the situation. This misdemeanor has only invited an irascible response from the public. My suggestion, sir, would be to stop the practice of examination in schools.
Bertie: I simply cannot understand this suggestion of yours, jeeves. You’ve gone cuckoo!
Jeeves: The students of these educational institutions, according to a general consensus, burn their midnight oil on the day before the exam. Considering the number of such students who wastefully burn the fuel, it would not require a person of high cognizance to suggest a plan to circumnavigate the problem.
Bertie: you are right as always, jeeves.
Jeeves: I consider the service to your lordship in high esteem, sir. Shall I bring your tea now?
Bertie: Right ho!

Reel VS Real Life.

I have always wondered whether the reel life had any relevance to the real one. No one ever fights half a dozen men and emerges, leave alone victorious, alive!! Films are definitely a gross exaggeration of the real life but they undoubtedly reflect the culture, mindset and the mentality of the people.

For example, we know the American culture (if there exists one) through their Cinema. We know Americans as good entrepreneurs, business minded, adventurous etc through the movies we see.

The Indian Filmdom has the dual responsibility of churning out good entertainers and also to explain to the rest of the world, the essence of Indian culture.

I had the ‘privilege’ of watching one of Vijaykanth’s movies in which he lights a cigarette with his own blood.

Message Intended: He is a powerful man with powerful blood (enough to light a cigarette). This high voltage blood flows through his body.

In the next scene, he touches his moustache which sends a man flying away.
Hidden Message: I give up. May be he wants to convey to the audience that his moustache has magical powers (that’s only my guess).

What sort of a message will this convey about the people of Tamilnadu (in general INDIA)? Won’t these movies show us as fools who believe in such rotten portrayal of larger-than life characters? Do the foreigners have a biased opinion about our mental abilities before they meet us first time?

The Pandora box opener- Mr.Akash Chopra

This blog is dedicated to the most incompetent, shameless (fill in with your favorite adjective) opener that India has ever produced, Mr. Akash Chopra. I doubt if his total score crossed 20 in all the 4 innings he played against Australia.

Had Mr. Akash been an Australian, with his severely limited talent, he might not have found a place in his school team. I wonder if he was taught in his academy that hitting the ball to the man in the second slip would fetch him quick runs.

He could consider changing his name to Akash chopra b Mcgrath, since that’s what the score card shows most of the times. At least that would save him from the ignominy of answering the press. There can be no second thoughts about his batting ‘abilities’. This blog is intended to reason out his inclusion into the team.

[Situation: The men in blue need one more man to fill the 11 member squad.]

Ganguly: We need another man now, Right now!! The match is about to start in 10 minutes.

John Wright: That’s impossible. We don’t have any reserve men.

G: We can’t play with 10 men can we?

JW: No. The article 213 section (II) of cricket doesn’t permit it.

G: Let’s go for a stroll. It’s noisy here and I can’t think.

[Outside the chinnaswamy stadium]

G: Hey you fool!! Can’t you cross roads properly? The red truck missed you by whiskers.

Mr. X: Oops!! It must be my lucky day. Sir, I am colour-blind. I can’t see anything red.

G (to himself): This is my man. If he can’t spot a big RED truck think of the cricket ball!! He would definitely score less than me and I would be spared of criticism.

JW: I know what’s going on your mind Mr. Ganguly I am strictly against it.

G: Keep quite Mr. Wright. Young man, you’re playing for India. What’s your name by the way?

Mr. X (in a state of shock): Akash Chopra.

Congratulations to the INDIAN team for winning the final test match. Incidentally it came after dropping the hero of this post.

Bureaucracy starts from our colleges.

My computer service man fears orders from any college. He narrated the "Bureaucracy" that he once suffered at the hands of the college staff.

An order for 50 computers was placed by the computer science dept of a VEL known college. The money would only be paid after getting those squiggly signatures from the lab attendant, Lab in charge, HOD, Director and then the Chairman.

The lab attendant would only sign if all the manuals (papers) for all the 50 monitors, processors etc are given (in spite of the fact that all 50 computers are of same configuration). Even if one of them is missing they'd have to get a color Xerox of the manual papers. This process usually takes about 2 days...

The HOD (even if the seller is Intel/IBM) “feels" that the computers are not up to his expectations. He would also drill in the fact that only after his signing, the papers would move to the next desk. He imposes his authority only for free mouse-pads, free software and other freebies to be installed at his home. It almost takes a week to get the sign from the HOD since he is often found "busy" in meetings and other "important" things.


The computer vendor would get the ultimate shock of his life only after the chairman "thinks" (an oxymoron how can chairmen of colleges think?) that the money involved is too much for 50 computers. The chairman (most of them are from a 'lesser said the better' backgrounds) would get reminded of bargaining with a vegetable vendor, quote prices that will increase the number of BP patients by one.

We can very well extend these Bureaucratic ways to the top level brass that runs our country. It’s now evident as to why it takes 10 years to buy a few fighter planes for our Air force which in fact clamors for new weaponry.

Unless we mend our ways at the lower levels, reaching an “Investor friendly market” will have to continue remaining in quotations.

A Challenge to Newtonian Physics

[Prologue]

The weighing machine constantly reminds me of the burden I cause to mother earth. The needle remains oblivious to the amount of hard work I put in my treadmill. Something must be wrong somewhere…
One fine day while I was sipping my coffee the reason struck me like a lightning, the following is the charge I transferred to the paper.

[Prologue ends]


Proof

Velocity = distance/time

Acceleration = dv/dt (change in velocity) ----- (I)

F = m . a ----- (II)

Force = mass x acceleration

Work done = F. d -----(III)



Since I run at a constant speed of 10 kmph on my treadmill,
Velocity = 10 kmph
Acceleration = 0 m/s2 (change in velocity =0) -----(IV)

Sub (IV) in (II)

F = 0 N ------(V)

Sub (V) in (III)

Work done = 0



Inference : I end up doing no work running. Blame it on bloody physics

My bro in california man...

"Where is your brother in theUS?" seems to be standard question that confronts the siblings of the american brothers and sisters back here.I have found it really difficult to cope up with these half-wit, crazy middle-aged uncles and aunties.

I somehow sabotage my anger and answer them polietly "Well..he is in california" and pat comes the next question "What is he doing?" .."my son is near by...how long is it from philedelphia?"

Next time someone wants to know about the whereabouts of my brother i swear to god to answer in the following way..

"hey...i dont know where is now..it must be morning there, so he must be in his toilet and you wanted to know what he's doing? well shitting ofcourse!!"

Wordsworth in the making II

I am starting to love myself. I am definitely a wordsworth in the making. I donot want to waste the time of the reader..here we go

LOVE

Love is the driving force,
that leaves you with many woes. 2

Deep love certainly penetrates
But i prefer the surface ;) 4

The difference is indeed confusing,
between love and love making 6

Love marriage is happy ofcourse,
what follows ultimately is divorce. 8

This thing ne'er takes you up
buddy enjoy your GINGER LEMON POP! 10

courtesy - Web technology exam 8/10/04

Wordsworth in the making I

One of the most uninteresting things in the world, next only to listening to your girlfriend, is sitting idle in the exam hall. I had this 'enchanting' experience during my model exams and ended up writting (if you'll let me call it) a POEM

BOREDOM

Life is hell!!
when you sit in exam hall. 2

It's better to be screwed
than to sit bored. 4

There cannot be a sorry man
like our friend Vikraman 6

on whose epitaph shall
the follwing be written 8

"Another casuality of boredom"

courtesy - Professional ethics exam 7/10/04

We are poor at marketing.

"Bahut achcha pradharshan yuvraj se" and from the bathroom i thought yuvraj must have saved yet another single. I was wrong. It was an extrodinary catch taken at point to dismiss the "wildrat" Moin khan, who has the reputation of digging burrows in the hopes of the opposition. Yuvy with his belligerent performances has won many matches for us, such an electrifying moment can never be downplayed like that.

In fact the commentator was coughing right into his Mic that i had to sit a few yards away from the screen. At times i even believed that it was an extension of the glycodin ad.

Had it been Tony greig he must have said "oh boy what a catch was that. This young man is surely the new face of indian fielding.The indians are up again the pakis are trembling..." well that certainly would've raised the spirits of many indians. Isn't it the responsibility of the commentators to add spice to the match? since all of us(viewers) have accepted that watching is more fun than playing a game.

Apart from a few exceptions like Harsha bogle and Ravi shastri the indians have never been able to reach world class commentry.