October 30, 2004

The Pandora box opener- Mr.Akash Chopra

This blog is dedicated to the most incompetent, shameless (fill in with your favorite adjective) opener that India has ever produced, Mr. Akash Chopra. I doubt if his total score crossed 20 in all the 4 innings he played against Australia.

Had Mr. Akash been an Australian, with his severely limited talent, he might not have found a place in his school team. I wonder if he was taught in his academy that hitting the ball to the man in the second slip would fetch him quick runs.

He could consider changing his name to Akash chopra b Mcgrath, since that’s what the score card shows most of the times. At least that would save him from the ignominy of answering the press. There can be no second thoughts about his batting ‘abilities’. This blog is intended to reason out his inclusion into the team.

[Situation: The men in blue need one more man to fill the 11 member squad.]

Ganguly: We need another man now, Right now!! The match is about to start in 10 minutes.

John Wright: That’s impossible. We don’t have any reserve men.

G: We can’t play with 10 men can we?

JW: No. The article 213 section (II) of cricket doesn’t permit it.

G: Let’s go for a stroll. It’s noisy here and I can’t think.

[Outside the chinnaswamy stadium]

G: Hey you fool!! Can’t you cross roads properly? The red truck missed you by whiskers.

Mr. X: Oops!! It must be my lucky day. Sir, I am colour-blind. I can’t see anything red.

G (to himself): This is my man. If he can’t spot a big RED truck think of the cricket ball!! He would definitely score less than me and I would be spared of criticism.

JW: I know what’s going on your mind Mr. Ganguly I am strictly against it.

G: Keep quite Mr. Wright. Young man, you’re playing for India. What’s your name by the way?

Mr. X (in a state of shock): Akash Chopra.

Congratulations to the INDIAN team for winning the final test match. Incidentally it came after dropping the hero of this post.

October 24, 2004

Bureaucracy starts from our colleges.

My computer service man fears orders from any college. He narrated the "Bureaucracy" that he once suffered at the hands of the college staff.

An order for 50 computers was placed by the computer science dept of a VEL known college. The money would only be paid after getting those squiggly signatures from the lab attendant, Lab in charge, HOD, Director and then the Chairman.

The lab attendant would only sign if all the manuals (papers) for all the 50 monitors, processors etc are given (in spite of the fact that all 50 computers are of same configuration). Even if one of them is missing they'd have to get a color Xerox of the manual papers. This process usually takes about 2 days...

The HOD (even if the seller is Intel/IBM) “feels" that the computers are not up to his expectations. He would also drill in the fact that only after his signing, the papers would move to the next desk. He imposes his authority only for free mouse-pads, free software and other freebies to be installed at his home. It almost takes a week to get the sign from the HOD since he is often found "busy" in meetings and other "important" things.

The computer vendor would get the ultimate shock of his life only after the chairman "thinks" (an oxymoron how can chairmen of colleges think?) that the money involved is too much for 50 computers. The chairman (most of them are from a 'lesser said the better' backgrounds) would get reminded of bargaining with a vegetable vendor, quote prices that will increase the number of BP patients by one.

We can very well extend these Bureaucratic ways to the top level brass that runs our country. It’s now evident as to why it takes 10 years to buy a few fighter planes for our Air force which in fact clamors for new weaponry.

Unless we mend our ways at the lower levels, reaching an “Investor friendly market” will have to continue remaining in quotations.

October 16, 2004

A Challenge to Newtonian Physics


The weighing machine constantly reminds me of the burden I cause to mother earth. The needle remains oblivious to the amount of hard work I put in my treadmill. Something must be wrong somewhere…
One fine day while I was sipping my coffee the reason struck me like a lightning, the following is the charge I transferred to the paper.

[Prologue ends]


Velocity = distance/time

Acceleration = dv/dt (change in velocity) ----- (I)

F = m . a ----- (II)

Force = mass x acceleration

Work done = F. d -----(III)

Since I run at a constant speed of 10 kmph on my treadmill,
Velocity = 10 kmph
Acceleration = 0 m/s2 (change in velocity =0) -----(IV)

Sub (IV) in (II)

F = 0 N ------(V)

Sub (V) in (III)

Work done = 0

Inference : I end up doing no work running. Blame it on bloody physics

October 14, 2004

My bro in california man...

"Where is your brother in theUS?" seems to be standard question that confronts the siblings of the american brothers and sisters back here.I have found it really difficult to cope up with these half-wit, crazy middle-aged uncles and aunties.

I somehow sabotage my anger and answer them polietly "Well..he is in california" and pat comes the next question "What is he doing?" .."my son is near by...how long is it from philedelphia?"

Next time someone wants to know about the whereabouts of my brother i swear to god to answer in the following way..

"hey...i dont know where is now..it must be morning there, so he must be in his toilet and you wanted to know what he's doing? well shitting ofcourse!!"

October 09, 2004

Wordsworth in the making II

I am starting to love myself. I am definitely a wordsworth in the making. I donot want to waste the time of the reader..here we go


Love is the driving force,

that leaves you with many woes. 2

Deep love certainly penetrates

But i prefer the surface ;) 4

The difference is indeed confusing,

between love and love making 6

Love marriage is happy ofcourse,

what follows ultimately is divorce. 8

This thing ne'er takes you up

buddy enjoy your GINGER LEMON POP! 10

courtesy - Web technology exam 8/10/04

Wordsworth in the making I

One of the most uninteresting things in the world, next only to listening to your girlfriend, is sitting idle in the exam hall. I had this 'enchanting' experience during my model exams and ended up writting (if you'll let me call it) a POEM


Life is hell!!
when you sit in exam hall. 2

It's better to be screwed
than to sit bored. 4

There cannot be a sorry man
like our friend Vikraman 6

on whose epitaph shall
the follwing be written 8

"Another casuality of boredom"

courtesy - Professional ethics exam 7/10/04