October 30, 2004

The Pandora box opener- Mr.Akash Chopra

This blog is dedicated to the most incompetent, shameless (fill in with your favorite adjective) opener that India has ever produced, Mr. Akash Chopra. I doubt if his total score crossed 20 in all the 4 innings he played against Australia.

Had Mr. Akash been an Australian, with his severely limited talent, he might not have found a place in his school team. I wonder if he was taught in his academy that hitting the ball to the man in the second slip would fetch him quick runs.

He could consider changing his name to Akash chopra b Mcgrath, since that’s what the score card shows most of the times. At least that would save him from the ignominy of answering the press. There can be no second thoughts about his batting ‘abilities’. This blog is intended to reason out his inclusion into the team.

[Situation: The men in blue need one more man to fill the 11 member squad.]

Ganguly: We need another man now, Right now!! The match is about to start in 10 minutes.

John Wright: That’s impossible. We don’t have any reserve men.

G: We can’t play with 10 men can we?

JW: No. The article 213 section (II) of cricket doesn’t permit it.

G: Let’s go for a stroll. It’s noisy here and I can’t think.

[Outside the chinnaswamy stadium]

G: Hey you fool!! Can’t you cross roads properly? The red truck missed you by whiskers.

Mr. X: Oops!! It must be my lucky day. Sir, I am colour-blind. I can’t see anything red.

G (to himself): This is my man. If he can’t spot a big RED truck think of the cricket ball!! He would definitely score less than me and I would be spared of criticism.

JW: I know what’s going on your mind Mr. Ganguly I am strictly against it.

G: Keep quite Mr. Wright. Young man, you’re playing for India. What’s your name by the way?

Mr. X (in a state of shock): Akash Chopra.

Congratulations to the INDIAN team for winning the final test match. Incidentally it came after dropping the hero of this post.

26 comments:

Sriram said...

Hmm..poor chap. The Australians ruled this series - and dont blame him - he's in the team because other people performed more pathetically than him in Ranji

Anonymous said...

I strongly condemn the words used in the post and regret the attitude of the indian public towards their heroes. Very few can slice, chop and drive blind-foldedly. Its this talent that makes me your hero; you're so obsessed with me that you left out the other talented juggler parthiv patel; but he's a magician n' cannot be called a 'hero'; heroes bring in mass entertainment as just as my friend srikanth n' vijaykanth do(and you have dedicated a omplete post just for me).
----------------------your hero Akash Chopra

Sriram said...

Mr.Anonymous - have you ever played cricket? If you havent by chance played cricket at the international level and actually faced Gillespie and McGrath, you would do well to keep your mouth shut

Anonymous said...

Well my friend; if criticism should only be given by people who face mcgrath n' gillespie then even sachin wouldn't be able to comment n' criticise. Criticism should always be taken in the right sense. And you can never say injustice is being done to Chopra. Maybe our friend Viki must decidate a post to Yuvraj, Parthiv n' Agarkar. As you said why target only poor Akash.
Learn to read the post for humor n' don't read it Akash's brother; cos I am Akash's brother.

Karthik said...

Im a very big fan of Ganguly,Team India and i'm sorry but I although i can sense the humour in ur post,its not appreciated. Why can't you be proud of our captain? Look at the good side, hes done more good than bad for our cricket. Praising someone only when they do well is not tought at all,tom dick and harry can do that. We lost coz we are not in form and coz of the curator for whom i really dont have enough words to say! Chopra was key to India doing well down under, and has 4 100 partnerships overall in his career with sehwag. Maybe, and I think, this is just a comment which is meant for humour, but still......

Anonymous said...

A pant has two openings; one for the left leg n' d other for d right leg. Learn to enjoy both sides of life. The problem is that in the Indian team there is one opener n' one opening. I don't think Sir Ganguly or Sir Chopra would be reading this post; so I don't think my Viki has hurt anyone. Poor O sehwag how does he feel when he's forced to share 100 runs partnership with with Akash ; infact Akash can also go to a civil court n' claim half of sehwag's runs. Therefore if sehwag shares 150 with Akash; Akash scores a 75. There are no ifs n' buts abt humor; you can only laugh. Its like a bat without balls; like a child in a topless bar n' the child complaining abt it wouldn't make a difference would it.
----------------------------Now this is Sherry (Sidhu)

Vikraman your blog is becoming popular by the day n' ppl are visiting it in a hurry; alas the sensor board or the cric board bans it.

Anonymous said...

By the way are you guys the Sriram and Karthik you played or playing for India. If you are then please make sure you don't make Viki write a post on you n' please don't tell Ganguly and Akash though I wouldn't mind publicity on TV. After all there haven't been much page3 stuff to talk on; the last being Ganguly/Nagma episode in 2001 and the Azhar divorce in 199..(well thts long ago) ; just hope it doesn't become Ganguly/Vikraman/Chopra.......Vikraman isn't a man as you see in his name and India isn't as liberal on these issues and wouldn't want the article to be banned so soon.

Anonymous said...

By the way are you guys the Sriram and Karthik you played or playing for India. If you are then please make sure you don't make Viki write a post on you n' please don't tell Ganguly and Akash though I wouldn't mind publicity on TV. After all there haven't been much page3 stuff to talk on; the last being Ganguly/Nagma episode in 2001 and the Azhar divorce in 199..(well thts long ago) ; just hope it doesn't become Ganguly/Vikraman/Chopra.......Vikraman isn't a man as you see in his name and India isn't as liberal on these issues and wouldn't want the article to be banned so soon.

vikraman said...

When i find other batsmen facing the World class bowlers with much more ease,wont i feel bad when MY batsmen dont play them well?

P.s You needn't have faced gillespie or Mcgrath to comment/Criticize. I agree with both 'akash and his brother'

vikraman said...

ThankQ Mr. ANonymous for providing great fun. Yes FUN thats indeed the mantra of every blog.

A blog has to be fun,entertaining for someone to visit.
You dont want to read about the different forms of "kathakali" on a blog. That wont for sure attract sidhu, akash , his bro ;)

Anonymous said...

This post is for the sole purpose of apologising for my 'typo' errors. I said 'Vikraman isn't a man' but i wanted to say 'he is a man'; guess my keyboard has some grudge against men as it can't do the same things a man can do.
Anyways I'm going to rephrase it and say that he's more than a man. Infact he was even offered the role of Superman after the incumbant had passed away but he refused citing the dress code of superman and that it would be condemned in srm. But if people love challenges and find this easier than facing mcgrath n' gillespie then they should wear it to college.
So we have the one and only Vikraman. He doesn't need the 'he' to prove himself nor does he need to show the 'bat' to prove it and as we know he had refused the 'super' tag ; would any of you fellows ever give all this up to be Vikraman.
------------------------from another man

Anonymous said...

Enough; why are you so obsessed with writing comments. Don't you know too much of everything isn't good my son. You wait for the comments of the others; its been long since I heard from them and I also forgot the title of this post. Anyways I know it has a lot to do with us 'Anonymous' and I am really proud of our genre. Hope many more follow our faith; all you need to know is how to type english (simple isn't it). And friends this is my one and only comment so please don't bring in the Anonymous family; you respond directly to Anonymous in good faith and any sacrilegious comments would be deeply condemned by the church and you could also be imprisoned for another year in your institution.
--------------------------Papa Anonymous (A Father too but not a Pope or a Pop king (MJ); I respect children as much as I respect Anony)

Anonymous said...

Enough; why are you so obsessed with writing comments. Don't you know too much of everything isn't good my son. You wait for the comments of the others; its been long since I heard from them and I also forgot the title of this post. Anyways I know it has a lot to do with us 'Anonymous' and I am really proud of our genre. Hope many more follow our faith; all you need to know is how to type english (simple isn't it). And friends this is my one and only comment so please don't bring in the Anonymous family; you respond directly to Anonymous in good faith and any sacrilegious comments would be deeply condemned by the church and you could also be imprisoned for another year in your institution.
--------------------------Papa Anonymous (A Father too but not a Pope or a Pop king (MJ); I respect children as much as I respect Anony)

Sriram said...

Mr.Anonymous, learn first of all to
1. Use your name
2. Write a coherent comment

The point here isnt the fact that someone is being criticized - but rather the manner in which he was criticized. Why dont we see posts from Vikraman praising Chopra and the Indian team when they win something? Or someone else when they do something good? Grow up, people

Sriram said...

And Vikram - there are limits for humour. You do not shoot somebody in the leg and watch him writh in pain and call it fun

vikraman said...

Optimists like you will look at the positive aspect of an issue.
I couldve written about Australians winninig a test
after 35 yrs..whoa What an achievement!!

But this is MY blog, my emotional outlet,my personal page where i dont have the responsibility to convince every single reader( therz a lot of difference between a columnist and a blogger).

i would, as a TRUE indian, feel bad for indians losing than Aussies winning .

vikraman said...

...and why dont you suggest me a good grow up tonic?

schumi22 said...

Well the best n' most effective tonic is visiting "http://vinaydora.blogspot.com/". Its one that has all the contents that growing children n' adults getting younger at heart need, includes Thiamine Mononitrate IP , Riboflavine IP, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride IP, Vitamin B12, Niacinamide IP, Calcium Pantothenate IP, Folic Acid IP among the many other contents.
This is what all doctors prescribe to children including our DR. APJ Abdul Kalam. Thank you n' guys I think your comments are becoming better with each comment.

vikraman said...

"You do not shoot somebody in the leg and watch him writh in pain and call it fun"

Oh my goodness!! Thats a little too gross. I am not a sadist but infact a satirist.Consult my frnds ull know better.

The Problem Is Choice said...

too much activity in the comment section.on between sadist and the optimists..and wht a blog should be about criticism ..and ofcourse indian players too.wel i say its easy to critisize and very difficult to praise something.you need need somethin to praise but try doing it and lets see what your blog says then...apparently vinay won't b too pleased if his 'tonic' business gets shut bcos of me.(i hav no intentions as such)

schumi22 said...

Well I actually don't understand your comment; guess you could be more explicit. There nothing wrong it criticism especially when situations warrant criticism. Moreover blogs are personal columns and you don't have to be perfectly correct on your details etc..
Certain issues on goodness could be written on that would interest the others say 'the girl next door' ; 'the fun i had on a trip to europe' but posts become popular when they are funny n' not monotonous events like 'my journey to college' or the 'How happy am I for Sachin'. We would like to read praises for sure but remember when we praise the ssytem is doing well n' thats the end. When there is something wrong we are discussing about; we may just happen to find solutions; we may make people aware of the facts and there so many things that get ppl involved.
The post or its comments may not be a tonic for panacea ;ibut its definitely one that people would like to read n' have their points of view. This is just 'fun' guys n' it wouldn't mean to Akash n' Sourav; they just won't read it. Most of the blogs i've visited have severe remarks on bush (including mine) but I can't be expected to think of Bush reading it or how Laura Bush would feel or whether I could be a cause for their breaking of their marriage. If you add humor to facts it doesn't change the story , does it.

Anonymous said...

vinay,
bush may not read it, saurav may not read it
bush is a morom, but saurav isnt
there is something called morals which got to be maintained even while writing a blog,humour is good,but misplaced humour stinks
ram

schumi22 said...

You've answered your comment Mr.x. Well, according to the public neither Bush nor Sourav are morons; Bush especially as he just got the mandate a few days back to rule the world's most powerful country. But you consider Bush to be a moron and Sourav not to be one. Well you are absolutely right n' entitled to your views just as the others are to theirs.(Remember noone called Ganguly a moron ; infact I wouldn't be surprised if you've started a round of comments on ganguly and the moron; knowingly or unknowingly).
I too am a fan(thers a diff. between a fan n' a fanatic) of Ganguly and the Indian team too. If you had the time n' patience to look back at the comments; the only time ganguly's name was mentioned in comments was in Karthik's comment n' some light humor in the post itself. Now if you believe these things said to be the equivalent of calling Ganguly a-m-o-r-o-n and ppl writing these comments to be a-m-o-r-a-l then I'm sorry to say but it shows either you cannot tolerate a word said about Indian team n' Ganguly(a fanatic on those terms) or you're typing comments just for the sake of saying a 'no' for a 'yes' n' vice-versa.
Please help us with your definition of humor n' not the so called misplaced humor without morals, ethics n' what not.
Maybe if you give your correct name and blog name we'd even visit n' read your humor. All this for a nice post as this one is. You should have addressed ur comment to all n' not just me. Remember the person of this post too subscribes to similar views or maybe you're gonna copy a similar msg n' send it to him saying its frm some Shyam.

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